4 Ways to Earn the Respect of a More Powerful Colleague

Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, in many colleague relationships there is a power differential, often based on each party’s status in the organization and who has more control over what the other needs at a given time. For instance, the engineering leader whose team ultimately determines a product line’s time-to-market may hold more power over the sales leader trying to deliver for impatient customers, and the leader of a mature and “unexciting” business unit may find their needs consistently deprioritized by the IT department, which is rushing to support a fast-growing division, instead.

It’s a deeply frustrating dynamic for those in the “inferior” position — but to develop a mutually respectful relationship with colleagues (and perhaps even claim more relative power), it’s vital to take steps toward rebalancing the equation. With a willingness to assert yourself in creative ways, you develop more agency for yourself, particularly at times when feeling dismissed or dependent.

Research shows there is a “Goldilocks” effect when it comes to assertiveness in interpersonal relationships, where you’re able to hit a sweet spot between being too assertive and not enough. When done properly, healthy dissent can lead to deeper trust and mutual respect. Based on my work as an executive coach for senior leaders at global companies, here are four strategies you can deploy in your relationships to distribute power more evenly.

Choose to decline certain requests.

It may feel incredibly challenging to decline a more powerful colleague’s request. But in any interaction, a framing effect takes place where each party is sizing up who has more power and influence. Since power is comprised of many factors and is situational, even if you find yourself typically powerless relative to a colleague, there do emerge situations where they need something from you just as much as you need them. Even if you’ve always acceded in the past, in occasional moments, it’s important to capitalize on the opportunity to politely refuse the more powerful person’s demands.

One study on relationships defined power as not only having a greater ability to influence the other, but also having the stronger resistance to the other’s influence. So, the next time you sense your colleague is overly exerting their power over you (for instance, making another last-minute request even though they have been inaccessible for yours), it may be a good idea to not immediately drop what you’re doing and jump to the rescue.

I once coached a leader whose peer often dumped work on her but managed to stay above the fray when others needed her help. This colleague would frequently cite her interactions with their shared boss as a way of justifying her power and drop their name while making requests that purely served her.

If you are in a similar position as my client, respond to your colleague by saying something like, “I wanted to let you know I got your request. I’m happy to help but have other commitments I must address at the moment. In the meantime, feel free to send me more information in case I can suggest another solution.”

Ideally, you want to send a message that you expect them to invest their limited time as well into the relationship. If you are true to the minimum promises you’ve made, then you can confidently hold your ground as an equal partner. This not only encourages them to respect you but forces them to make sacrifices as needed for the relationship as much as you do.

Connect them to other people in power who value you.

Another way to shift the power in the relationship is by subtly reminding them of your social value by connecting them to other people they respect, with whom you’ve cultivated a relationship. This does three valuable things: first, it shows them (through the principle of social proof) that you must have something to offer if people they admire see value in you; second, it may tip the scales in your relationship dynamic because you possess access they’d like to enjoy; and third, it sends a signal that you already have high-profile access, so are not desperate to chase their approval.

I worked with a leader who struggled to be seen as a “strategic” executive and was continuously downplayed for higher level roles by HR when succession planning discussions took place. But in truth, he was quite innovative and eager to contribute to more forward-looking aspects of the business; it was because he was so good at operational execution that HR and his boss didn’t want to rock the boat through a promotion.

To disrupt this power dynamic, which was limiting his advancement, my client started to develop relationships with other senior leaders and socialized ideas that could help their business needs. And then he started making introductions between his new contacts and some of the colleagues in HR and his business who held influence over his career. By showing his access to other powerful leaders and sharing it as well through connecting others, his brand began to rise toward the perception of an enterprise-level leader.

Help them surface their blind spots as a way of supporting them.

Even the most powerful people can’t see themselves exactly the way other people perceive them. In other words, they have blind spots just like the rest of us. And when you can help them gently recognize an aspect of their thinking or behavior that is getting in the way of their goals, they can begin to view you as a highly trusted partner, rather than someone below their level.

One of my clients was an SVP at a technology company who was privy to the chatter across the organization about the CEO’s lack of decisiveness and how it was creating confusion for employees and teams.

While she agreed with the general sentiment, she was happy with how the CEO treated her. While he had more power than her, she generally accepted the idea of working under his leadership and meeting his expectations as best as she could. After all, she thought, why risk her relationship with the CEO and give him tough feedback that could backfire on her for being the messenger?

But she also recognized that to become a trusted partner to him, she would need to truly be in his corner, through good and bad, and that required being honest with him for his benefit. So, she decided in her next one-on-one to share her observations.

The SVP said, “I know how important it is to you to do the right thing for the business and our people. And sometimes our strengths can be over-leveraged to the point of becoming a weakness. I think because you care so much about listening to all sides of an issue, it’s starting to delay making decisions. And I wanted to offer this possibility because you may be too close to this style to see how it’s impacting others.”

In taking the risk of putting a mirror up to the CEO, the SVP earned a high measure of respect and gratitude from him. Their relationship became one of trusted advisor and not just direct report.

If you meet with people in power and simply tell them everything they’ve heard before or the same things as others in your position, you will be forgotten and relegated to the status quo. But by stepping out of your comfort zone to — kindly, but assertively — point out something that the powerful person had not noticed, you not only become memorable but start to gain influence and respect with them.

Make them work to earn your attention.

Gaining the respect of colleagues more powerful than you is an interesting paradox: by putting them in a position to work for your approval, you earn more of their respect. So, a fourth strategy is to create conditions where they must “sell” their value to you. Basically, work less at earning their respect and put the burden on them to explain why they should be worth your attention.

Over the years, I’ve coached leaders at companies that had undergone a merger or reorganization that required many employees and leaders to “reapply” for a job, either within their division or in a new part of the company. This experience can be unsettling, not just because they are back to being a candidate competing against others for a job, but because unlike applying to a new company from the outside, their reputations precede them and provide more subjective input that will influence interviewers when evaluating them.

The natural mistake many people make in these situations is to overprepare for the questions they think they will be asked and try their best to hedge their answers to please the hiring colleague. This seems like the path of least resistance but in fact positions them as forgettable and unremarkable in the eyes of the other party.

Instead, find ways to be generous with your answers but unafraid to also ask questions that put them a bit on their heels. When your colleague asks you that oft-repeated question, “Why should we hire you for this job?” your first instinct may be to prove your value to their satisfaction, even though you and they know that most everyone is applying for jobs because of the reorganization, not because they wanted to try something new.

Instead, take a beat and say something like, “Actually, I’m not sure you should hire me just yet. I’d like to explore if there’s a mutual fit between my experience and your vision of where this team is going. Anything you could share about your management style would be helpful as I’m exploring my next steps.”

Expecting people in power to “earn” your interest rather than take it for granted can bring positive results. Not only can it set you apart from the competition, but it can ensure you are working with colleagues who respect you rather than keep you under their power and whims.

When you are stuck in an unequal power dynamic, it helps to remember that not only is the placement of power temporary, but you can equalize it. By adopting these strategies, you can creatively pivot in the moment and frame the connection differently, so that you are building the respect you deserve.